Timeline Of A Hangover

Thought Catalog

9:30 AM

Wake up. I open my eyes to see my hangover, clear as day, looking down at me. It just smiles and chuckles to itself. I close my eyes and pray for sleep. Fortunately, I am rewarded.

10:45 AM

Re-wake up. I decide to masturbate. My logic goes as follows: Alcohol is a blood thinner. Thin, quick-flowing blood makes for great boners. When offered with a great boner, I always decide to take it. That sounds completely homosexual. I did not mean it that way. I’m so fucking hung-over right now though, and I’m not going to put forth the effort to reword that sentence. Moving on. I begin to think about sexy things like boobs and butts and stuff. Just as I suspected, my thin, alcohol-saturated blood inundates my penis region and I become blessed with a handsome and confident boner. Unfortunately, the alcohol immediately poisons my penis…

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