Found on AskReddit.
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. -Demetri Martin
What is worse than ants in your pants? Uncles
I’ve moved past threesomes. I’m now into foursomes. If someone backs out, then you’ve still got a threesome. If two people back out, you’re still having sex.
~ Gregory House
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin sized bed and wondered where my brother was. – Mitch Hedberg
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs
I don’t have a girlfriend, but I know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
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